and she left ...

He hurt her feelings and she felt dumb for letting him in the first place. 
She accepted him into her life because she loved him.
There was a spark between them and she couldn't deny it even from the very first time they met.
Perhaps that was why she allowed him in.


The loneliness. The excitement. The way he treated her like a princess.
It used to be that lovely. She knew it was hell disguised as heaven.
Roses everywhere...

Now that he got what he wanted
She begged him to stay but he left
Was it something she said or done?
She was unsure. All she knew was that it is over.
It was bitter but she swallowed it still.
Her tears couldn't roll down more. She just stood there filled with emptiness.
She realised she was lonely. She was afraid. She felt disgusted of herself.
He took part of her soul; her heart.

"God blesses his soul," she whispered to herself and left.
The door closes. She looked up and hoped for the beginning of something new.
It's over. 

~miscellaneous~

I miss you
I still do
The way you looked at me
The way you smiled

----------------------------------

Let's pretend you're mine
and I'm yours
Because dreams are sweeter than reality

---------------------------------

Perhaps it's meant to be...
that you and I remain this way
and even it's for a short while
I still enjoy every second of it

---------------------------------

I find it cruel
that things have to be this way
I hope it'll lead me somewhere better 
because the place i'm in now has so much pain

----------------------------------

I know I'm not the only one
But who am I to tell you otherwise?
I'm nobody ... 

---------------------------------

Perhaps this is karma
because karma is not sweet
it's so bitter
it makes you want to give up on life

----------------------------------

I wish things are different
because it's so painful
I wish you can see my pain
because that way you'll understand me

It's okay

People come and go
It's okay I supposed
I did that too in the past

People miss each other
They miss the beautiful memories they created together
It's okay I supposed
They'll create new ones again

People fall in and out of love
It's okay I supposed
They usually do that

People hurt each other
They hurt till they cry
Things will get better I supposed
They usually do

A Special Place

Everything changes
but the feelings I have for you
will remain forever

What have you done to make me feel this way
I do not know
All I know is that I saved a special place 
for you in my heart. 

The truth about part-time lovers

Sex without love...Is it even possible?

Personally, I think it's impossible. One just don't get intimate with someone whom he or she doesn't trust or know. Unless you're drunk or you're just born to be emotionless. I don't know. At least, that's what I think. 

F**k No Strings Attached. F**k Friends for Benefits.

Both of you had sex and both you wanted more. Maybe not with the one you had sex with but perhaps with someone else. We all wished our lives weren't that f**ked up. I supposed we all live in denial. We say we don't need love to be intimate but we actually do. Those who don't are just unaware of it. They prefer it to remain that way; to protect themselves from getting hurt or disappointed. 

Friends with benefits. Is it all about the benefits?
I'd say f**k that s**t. It's more of controlling your emotions and protecting your feelings which actually lead us back to what we're all actually doing - 'living in denial'. We reminded ourselves that we don't care about each other and we kept doing so until we're convinced that it's the truth or is it?

There must be at least a tiny drop of feelings or emotions when you're with your so called 'friend for benefits' or 'part time lover' or whatever you may called it. It's not merely lust. That's why the word 'Friend' is there. You have a friend and both of you fancy each other's companion. Benefits obviously means satisfying each other sexually but what about friend? Obviously, it serves as being able to complete each other with what both of you are lacking - love and care. Yes, the emotions part. It's about completing each other emotionally. And that's how it works. You both complete each other emotionally and physically. 

People tend to admit being physically satisfied but not emotionally because it's too difficult to accept the truth of being alone. There's too much pain and embarrassment. Therefore, we prefer sweeping it under the rug as it's better that way. Sex is enough. F**k the lonely part. We comfort ourselves by saying we'll find someone special in the future. Maybe not now but perhaps in the near future. It's sad but it's the truth. 

I'm not trying to draw any conclusions here. I'm just saying this based on my personal opinion. No offense. 

Out.

I guess this is goodbye

We can never be together
it's fine i supposed
looking into our situation
it would be impossible to
build a serious relationship
being friends is fine
and i guess i need to move on
it was never love
it was purely lust
and i shall go
it's hard but i will go
so i guess this is goodbye

A complicated relationship

A complicated relationship
It is a feud between the mind and the heart
When you love someone who is attached to somebody
But yet he doesn't even seem to be attached with his partner
nor with you
That is real pain

But somehow you love the attention
You love being pampered
You love his kisses
You love the way he touches you; strokes your hair

But yet you're afraid of revealing your true self
Because deep down you know that it would kill your soul

Your Choice, Darling

Up in that mountain
Promise me you won't let me go
I let you hold my hands for a reason
So don't walk away from me, Darling

All the worries,
all the pain within
I left them behind as you hold my hands
Being here is not easy for me
nor am I saying it is, for you, Darling

The agony is no pleasure to me
Touch it and you can feel it
I'll let you uncover these flaws

So stay with me, Darling
Hold my hands,
even if it's only for a moment, like you said.

Not Difficult

My sorrow is my drug

It reminds me of you

It hurts so much 

to picture myself without you

If only things are different

Perhaps it's true that some things 

are meant to be undone

This pain I must deny

This feelings I must cast aside

I wonder if you can sense it in my kisses

Because darling, it's not difficult to love you

Could it be lust? Could it be love?

Is it lust that brought us together?
What do you see in me my darling?
Am I just another woman you lusted for?

I let you kissed me 
I let you touched me
Even if I know that we can never be together

The circumstances of being with you
oh it's too much for me
I wonder if it brings me more woes 
or if it heals the broken heart within

The heart that yearns for love
The heart that yearns for you
Your kiss and your touch
The heart that wants you to only want me...

Let's Pretend

Dance with me
Dance and oh this sweet sweet melody
Let's pretend that we're the only ones that exist

Close your eyes
Close them oh so tight
And let's pretend that things would be much better than this

Walk with me
Walk with me side by side
And let's pretend that this journey will never end

Hold my hands
Hold them with all your strength
And let's pretend that it will stay that way forever

Different

I see you are a lover; a friend
or maybe you just know your way of treating a lady
To make a girl feels more like a woman
Yet the visible broken pieces 
No wonder you are the best shoulder to cry on

The joy comforts this soul
One could mistake it for passion
Perhaps it is ...

The warmness of falling asleep in your arms
to feel your kisses and touch
A gaze into the windows of your soul
Calms this terrible storm within

Dark Love

“The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space.” ― Marilyn Monroe

----------------------------------------

She once knew a man who would treat her like a princess

Sometimes she wondered why he had never found his princess

She was not his princess and they accepted it well

Perhaps it was his dark past

Perhaps it was him being mysterious

There were lots of 'perhaps' when being with him

And she wished that tings would be much more easier for her - lesser 'perhaps'

He knew what he was doing

She knew it ... 

He was imperfect. He was not flawless

But his kindness, his charm, his courage, his way of treating her with respect 

He was never selfish - he wanted to please her

These made her thought for a while

Where could his princess be?

Definitely not me, she whispered

She was quite certain about it ... or perhaps not

It was a pity ... Indeed it was a loss

Perhaps he has one or used to

She had one but that's history

Focus...

He made her heart beat twice faster

She knew it all along

Perhaps he knew it too

She was not fooling around

She just wanted to get the affection she missed out 

It would be awkward 

But who cares?

People might find out

But who cares?

It might ruin her

But who cares?

She cares...

She does care...

And that would be her biggest mistake.

The spark between them was too strong

Oh it was very strong indeed

Very very strong - I can assure you

Because, if it was not strong, her pillows would not be soaked in tears.

----------------------------------------------

She wanted to run ... she wanted to leave

She needed the comfort ... assurance that everything would be fine

That was all she needed. For now. 

The Untitled One

Love is dangerous game ...

Let me tell you a story about a girl. A girl who just wanted to have fun and live her life to the fullest. Her frustration towards life broke her inside out. 

She has a boyfriend and they were quite happy until now ...

She never felt contented when she was with him. It was more of her emotional and sexual sides. 
She knew he could never made her happy.
It was always about him. It was never about her. He was self-centred. 

Not to mention his unpredictable actions which affected her in certain ways. 
His beliefs ... everything was not right. At least, that was what she thought.

------------------------------------

Her frustrations and disappointments led her to fall deep into a dangerous game of love and deceit. 

All she wanted was to have her dreams come true. She failed; so screw it, she said.

She felt disgusted with herself. 
She was afraid. 
The truth is she didn't even know what she was afraid about. 
Her heart beat faster than before. 

But yet, she didn't want it to stop. Not now.

Mind Having a Long Distance Relationship???

So guys, let us talk a little on LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS... 

Yes, I do believe that some of you guys must had experienced long distance relationships before or if not, perhaps you have seen others experienced it. Well, I have several friends who somehow experienced long distance relationships at some point of their lives with their partners. I have seen them trying their best to speak with their girlfriends/boyfriends all the time through instant messages, Yahoo Messenger, Whatsapp, Facebook, Twitter and Skype. I must say that I realized that there is a 50/50 chance of people surviving long distance relationships when I witnessed each one of my friends broke up with their partners back in their hometown and moved on with new people they met in campuses or workplaces. For those who survived through long distance relationships, they used to tell me that as long as there is enough communication, trust, commitments and sacrifices between both, then everything will be alright but seriously, is it substantial?  

I have seen couples breaking up just because they think that their relationship will never work if both are far away from each other. I used to wonder about what makes long distance relationships too difficult for some and I finally came up with a conclusion when I spoke to a guy friend few days ago. He explained to me that the reason long distance relationship is too difficult for him is not because he had to update his ex-girlfriend of what he was doing and where he went all the time but it was because there were times when he might need his girlfriend to be with him and she was unable to do that due to the distance. He also complained to me that he was unable to 'touch' his girlfriend and he said 'touch' is very important for him, not in a bad way though, but it was more like hugging, cuddling and walking hand in hand with each other.

So, I had to relate what my guy friend told me and what the priest said during a seminar I attended at my parish. He told us that the largest human organ is the skin itself and later explained that the sense of touch is very important for us humans and it is used mostly to touch and express our love between one another. This is because we Christians, believe that God created us with the needs to love and to be loved.  He also mentioned to the whole congregations that humans need to hug their loved ones at least twelve times a day in order to avoid themselves from the deprivation of love. At first, I was amused on what the priest had just said but then as I gave it another thought before going to bed that night, I realized that he was actually right. Why did God created us with the sense of touch and why is our skin is known to be the largest human organ if it is not to be used wisely and for those reasons I mentioned above - cuddles, hugs and holding hands? 

I finally understood the things my guy friend said to me when I started to relate his words with what the priest said to us.

What my guy friend actually meant was all he ever wanted was to express his love through the sense of touch and even if his girlfriend was always 'VIRTUALLY'  there for him, yet he still thinks that it is not enough for him.

"It will NEVER be ENOUGH for me.." was his exact words.

If  touching is the way for people to express love, then, I think it is important for couples, husbands and wives, children and parents and siblings to hug each other in order to sustain relationships. And the priest is right when he told us that the reason broken families and relationships exist are because there is a lack expression of love and communication between them. For example, husbands no longer hug, touch or talk to their wives, children no longer kiss or hug their parents before bed or when they wake up every morning and couples rarely cuddle, hug, talk and hold each other hands. 

Anyway, I am not trying to infer that long distance relationships do not work because couples are unable to express their love towards each other by hugging or cuddling. I was merely trying to share with you guys about the reason I think why most long distance relationships failed to work. Some couples managed to survive long distance relationships and it involved a lot of sacrifices, time and commitments. I understand it is not easy to be in one but if you think that the person you love is worth it, why not try giving it a shot? 

However, I also DO NOT guarantee that communications, commitments and time are enough to sustain a relationship especially for those couples who are far away from each other. Just remember that it actually takes two persons to make it happen and even if you think you had done everything in order to save your relationship, you can never avoid things to happen. I mean you guys ARE  far away from each other...

Just think about it guys, even couples who are close to each other and those who are married for YEARS are prone to break up and divorce, what else for those of you who are currently in long distance relationships? 

Feelings changed, people changed and things happened unexpectedly... 

I am not trying to discourage you guys out there but it had happened to people. I have seen seven years of relationship destroyed in just a blink of an eye due to this. 

It happened to my friends.

It happened to me...

When a person is being touched by God

When a person is being touched by God...

It is beautiful
It is wonderful
It is lovely
It is amazing
It is everything 

Indeed, 
it is the greatest experience one could ever had.
Like a power coming
out from one's own being.

She cried for joy
She craved for more
Perhaps it is true that one will never be satisfied by the great love of God.

She wants things
She wants everything
She used to think that at times, she would confuse God
with her worldly desires
and results of envy

She never realized that having God's love is enough...

Be contented of what you have and own.
Be happy of what you got and received.
Seek God's will and He will provide.

How could she be so deaf to listen to the words of God?
How could she be so ignorant?

But I tell you,
when a person is touched by God,

She will know that God will never abandon her
She knows He does things in His time...
and she will wait patiently for the day to arrive

She will glorify God...
She will proclaim to the whole world the GREATNESS of God
God is her one true Lover...
and God will never abandon her...

God knows what is best for His daughter...
Although she is sinful and disobedient most of the times

But God is so good
He is good all the time.
She will TRUST God.

~ Gossip Girls ~

Lately, I have known a group of girlfriends whom I refer as 'Gossip Girls'. They are the kind of 'Gossip Girls' who take pleasure of talking about people behind their backs - their best friends are not excluded. They are not the kind of girls who create wild stories or rumuors about others but they are the type who usually describe their actions as 'catching up the latest issues on friends' or mainly 'sharing stories among one another'. To me, whatever these girls said about themselves, I honestly think that their actions do count as gossiping. 

As a graduate language student myself, I have learnt that gossiping is typical among ladies and ladies enjoy talking about trivial matters. I could give you a list of research journals that proved what I said is precisely correct but I do not want to turn my blog into some kind of a research journal quoting proofs from other researchers. My friend did her final year project on 'Gossiping among Women' and throughout her research, she was not able to find any previous research journals stating that women do not gossip. Almost all the data she found was 'Women speak trivial things aka gossip whilst men speak serious stuff. I do not say this statement is sexist because seriously, as a woman myself, I have to admit that I enjoy talking about my feelings, friends, life itself and families. These are considered as 'trivial' matters to most and also the moment we start to talk about others, it is already known as gossiping! So, ladies, guess we have no choice but to admit this. In fact, I remember there is a study claiming that it is proven women build friendships through discussing 'trivial' matters and gossiping. I am not sure whether it is a good thing although  in my personal opinion, I dare to say that I am proud to have such quality because it makes us-us. Such qualities help us to differ ourselves from men. I am not saying that gossiping is good and I do not mean that it makes us women. No...my only intention is just to share to you people what I learnt as a language student. I learnt that studies have shown women love gossiping and enjoy discussing trivial matters. Therefore, we must accept reality because it has been proven from past researches. Also, note that the only intention I acquire now is to prove society that men, like women do gossip too. Guys, please, do not try to deny this because I have heard most of my guy friends gossip about others and the truth is when men gossip about others, it is twice more worst than girls do. So, guys please... 

Anyway, there is a reason why I brought up the issue about gossip in my recent blog. It happens that I know a group of female acquaintances who enjoy talking about others behind their backs and this includes their own group members which I think is very peculiar indeed. There are rules among best friends which most girls would know and one of them is you are not allowed to gossip about your own best friend with others or leak out her secrets. In fact, if one does this then she is considered a 'b***h' among her friends. Trust me, this is usually the main cause of female arguments and bullies among teenagers in school or colleges. 

Seriously, I find it difficult to understand the group of females I mentioned earlier because they would often gossip about one another and sometimes friends outside the group would also know when something good or bad happened to anyone of them. News would spread to almost everyone they know leaving behind the 'victim' clueless of what happened. I believe they must be so good in whatever they were doing as the person they talked about did not know anything and the people around her know stuff about her. I must say that most of the stories had been exaggerated and honestly, I feel pity for the 'victim'. I can imagine her entering a room with everyone's eyes aiming at her not to mention the sound of silent whispers in the air followed by sarcastic questions from friends. 

Now, I begin to understand the ugly truth about the society we live in these days. I think it is best not to trust anyone including your own best friend because there is a Malay proverb which says,  "Harapkan pagar, pagar makan padi" which advises us not to trust anyone as the person you trust most can turn out to be your worst enemy or in other words, a 'backstabber'.

Young and In Love?

Okay, I was on my sister's Facebook one day and I noticed one of her schoolmates is dating a girl from her class. He's 14 and she's 13 or perhaps 12 going on 13...Too young to date? Duhh...Call me an old-fashioned type of person I wouldn't mind at all. Seriously. He started to chat with me (Well, he wouldn't if he knew I was me-He thought that I was my sister...Evil Laugh) and told me that someone has a crush on my sister at school. I said yeah right and he lol'ed and told me he was just kidding. I told him that I am too young to date (I'm referring to my sister by the way) and besides I only look for cute and smart guys. Obviously, I was being sarcastic and he said that love is in the eyes of the beholder. He even said that he does not think he is too young to date. Well, if only I could explain to him saying:

 'Hey mister! Okay, so you think you are old enough to date? I bet you don't even understand what true love is. In fact, there are a lot of things you barely understand about life, love and so on. Try earning some money yourself and support your girlfriend. Or perhaps, try finding a decent job! Ha! I bet you can barely support yourself, what else your girlfriend? What about kids? What if you have kids and you're just 14? Now tell me mister, how are you going to support yourself, your girlfriend and your baby??? Jeez....'

***Oh by the way, my sister was the one who asked me to log onto her Facebook because she was away with my mum for a retreat.

Seriously, kids nowadays. They only think with their hearts and not with their heads. Plenty of adolescent girls out there quitting school or leaving college due to pregnancies and their boyfriends refused to take responsibility with their actions. Another thing, if the guy does really take responsibility then he would end up as a jerk and treating their wives and kids badly. I am not saying that all guys are jerks but I am just trying to say that the percentage of guys ending up as jerks is sadly very high. I ain't giving you guys statistics here but guys please, it happens around you in the society itself...Life is not always a bed of roses....People would blame one another when something bad happens especially when they failed to achieve their dreams, wishes, hopes or ambitions. There are a lot of young people whose dreams are crushed due to their own actions. Although, sometimes there are friends who tried to advise us by telling us that you still can achieve your dreams. Like they said, where there is a will, there is always a way. But guys, have you ever thought that at some point in your life, in order to fulfill your dreams, sacrifices are needed to be made and most of them involved pain, disappointments, sorrows or frustrations? Like for example, young girls with babies. They cannot just abandoned their responsibilities as a mother and as a parent by sending their babies away for adoptions just so that they can achieve their own dreams. That is called selfish. It would be a heartbreaking moment to see an innocent child is victimized  upon their parent's mistakes. Now do you guys get what I am trying to say? Do not give up they said...but people hey, once you are committed to be as parents, there is no way turning back. You cannot just undo your actions and act as if nothing had happened. So, people especially teens who are currently dating, do think before you do something because it might  turn out to be a bad idea after all and you would regret it for the rest of your life. 

Men In Black: Back In Time

Have you ever thought about returning back ahead of time and change things? Imagine all those bad and embarrassing moments being erased as if nothing had happened. If only there is a counter to purchase tickets to go back in time, I would be the first customer. Unfortunately, I am unable to do so. In fact, no one can. Therefore, I could only close my eyes, sit back and dream...dream...dream of the impossible to happen.

 As I was laying on my bed, I thought about all the stupid stuff I had done in my past. There are a lot of things I would love to change...The first would be taking pure arts instead of pure science back in high school. I bet I would score a lot better if I took pure arts in school...Perhaps I might be a law graduate student now instead of a linguistics and literature graduate. Then, I would also apply for all those scholarships offered by the Malaysian government after graduating from my high school studies.  I remember a schoolmate of mine used to tell me that students who took arts were actually dumb.I thought that what he said does not make any sense at all! 

Anyway, as I was saying...it would be totally amazing to change things and make it better than now and also to avoid embarrassing moments in our lives. Although, I must admit that all the mistakes I did in the past had taught me to be a better and wiser person in life. But I still do wonder about the things that brought sorrows into a person's life and how wonderful it would be if one could easily click a remote and return back in time to avoid himself/herself from individuals who brought only tears into his/her eyes. Seriously, how can sorrows make a person wiser anyway? 

 I have to agree that in certain cases like disappointments can actually be a good thing for certain people sort of a wake up call for them. An optimist would agree with me on this as disappointments may lead to something else better in a person's life. For example, your partner decided to break up with you after years of being in a relationship and you were feeling disappointed. Friends and family will comfort you by telling you that you deserved someone way better and it is true actually. I remember the time I became a shoulder to cry on for my ex-roommate when her crush rejected her. I told her that she deserved someone more better and that the guy who rejected her was blind to even see how sweet, kind and good-looking she is. I am not sure how it ends up for her now but she looks happy the last time we met and I guess she must have found someone better. So, okay, let us say that you were like my ex-roommate and you were given the chance to erase the moment when you told your crush that you liked him and he rejected you, would you do it? I would! Duh...!!! I would do it for the sake that no one will ever know it happened except myself. It would be like "Oops! Not a wise thing to do by professing my love to him...and therefore erase erase erase!!! Wouldn't it be a great thing to do? (Evil Laugh..) I definitely think it is... :)

Well, to return back in time is an impossible thing to do and definitely will bring you nowhere. It is 

as though I am dwelling in my past but for some reason, again, I must say that there is no harm in wishing the impossible as you close your eyes at night losing yourself into the world of dreams and fantasies...Zzzzzzzzzz...

A Drop of Dye Ruins the Whole Jug of Milk - CASE #1

Well I was on a couch the other day on my way to my uncle's place in Johor Bahru...and then there was a couple sitting in front of us. I think the guy is pretty cute and his girlfriend looks pretty okay too. My mum and I decided to sit behind them as there were no seats for us to sit beside each other.

As our journey begins, for some reason, I have absolutely no idea at all why in the world they both wanted to lower their seats and carried their legs on the pole of the couch. At that point of time, I was thinking, Seriously? Is this couch belonged to you guys at the first place? Perhaps I was able to accept the fact they might be relaxing and enjoying the 5/6 hours journey from Kuala Lumpur to Singapore. But then everything changed when the driver of the couch decided to stop for a toilet break. My mum politely said 'Excuse me' and the guy only adjusted his seat a little bit. I stood up and started to ask myself who could pass through a small passage way anyway? Even a toddler would have difficulties in passing through...As my mum tried her best to go through the little space given to her (thanks to the guy), she shook her head not in a bad way, I could assure you but it's just another way for her to express her difficulties of passing through the small space given to her. The guy saw my mum shaking her head and shouted at her: Do you have to shake your head you SILLY woman??? 

Now guys, tell me, what would you react if this happened to you? Thankfully, my mum did not hear the last words because she had went down from the couch. I heard him saying it and I know I should have done or said something about it but when everyone decided to go down from the couch leaving me behind alone with that jerk...Well....I was thinking...He was tall, muscular and big sized...(He's a European by the way) and I on the other hand is just too little for him. I did not know what to do....I wanted to ask whether he realized the woman he had just called silly is my mother??? Perhaps I was not brave enough...I started to imagine stuff he might do to me because I was all alone with him at that precise time...Thankfully he did not dare to say or do anything to me. 

In fact, when his girlfriend returned, she started to complain about how everyone was pushing inside the toilet and that very same moment, my mum told me how everyone was queuing except for that jerk's girlfriend (by the way I think that JERK is a better name for him and both of them are no longer good looking people).She used the toilet without even queuing up. I was shocked although I was grateful after that they decided not to lower their seats down again. Everyone was looking at them inside the couch as the jerk's girlfriend carried her legs on the pole (she was wearing a short dress) and the jerk took his singlet off even though it was pretty cold inside the couch. They were touching each other indecently and my mum saw the jerk's girlfriend grabbing her boyfriend'd private part!!!

I was very angry at both of them for being so inconsiderate and for calling my mum a silly woman. I was telling myself why can't they 'behave' properly in public? I mean they are travelling in a foreign country---Malaysia to be exact. People in Malaysia do not touch each other indecently or speak rudely to strangers in public. There is a Malay proverb stating that 'Masuk kandang kambing mengembek, masuk kandang kerbau menguak' which literally means that when you enter a goat's pen, you act and sound like one but if you enter a cowshed, then you should act and sound like a cow. In other words, when you are travelling in a foreign country, show some respect to others because behaving rudely would only reflect your own culture - in a very BAD way.